Hey friends! I’ve been AWOL for awhile again, so since I have the day off I figured it was a good time to let you know what’s been going on.
David and I are still looking for a house to buy. I really want one in an established neighborhood with trees and an either side-entry or detached garage. And we’re looking in a certain area of town, in a certain price range, so it is proving to be a little difficult. We’re trying to be patient though, because we want to buy one we really love!
In the meantime, we have moved in with a friend of the family who goes to our church. Her children are just a little bit younger than us, and are both moved out. She has graciously offered us her large upstairs bedroom with its HUGE closet! We have a lot of space and privacy here, and it’s a great location. We have been so blessed by this, and it is allowing us to save up a lot of money to put towards the house and moving costs.
Work has been kind of rough this week. After a relaxing weekend off, I came back Monday and had the absolute worst day of my short career. I had very needy patients, tons of medications to give, two discharges, an admission, not to mention all the regular charting and routine care. All of that was bad enough, but because I was worn so thin and ragged, I ended up making a couple of mistakes. The first one wasn’t too big of a deal, but I still had to write myself up. The second one happened right at the end of my shift, caused me to stay late, and someone else caught it and wrote me up, all the while speaking to me in a very patronizing manner. I felt completely incompetent. I had to work so hard not to cry until I got home. It’s hard to recover from a day like that, but I’m doing my best.
I finished reading the whole Twilight saga, and then I read Midnight Sun, the unfinished online novel which is Twilight from Edward’s perspective. I wanted to immediately start re-reading Twilight, but I let a friend borrow it. What to do until the movie comes out next week? Watch trailers, read articles, and listen to the soundtrack, I suppose.
I recently read an interview with Anne Rice, the writer of (among other things) Interview With a Vampire. She now writes about her newfound Christian faith, but she doesn’t repudiate any of her previous works. When she was asked about this she replied, “The supernatural world has always been more real to me than the real world. I feel a great surge of energy when I acknowledge that there is a world beyond this one…. My old novels and characters were sincerely created and deeply felt, and also I think these novels and characters are complex and these novels mirror a pathway to Christ. I think they retain tremendous value for readers, especially young readers who may not be willing to pick up a book about Christianity. There is a moral compass in these novels, and the grief for a lost faith, and the search for redemption — these are the main themes. I remain a believer in them, though they are partial and flawed.”
I really like the way she put that. Sometimes I feel that I need to defend my love for fantasy and the supernatural, as if I’m not satisfied with reality and my own life. I love my life, though. I just feel a deep yearning for more, which I believe I was created for.
David’s aunt Sue died on Friday night after almost three years of battling pancreatic cancer. It’s a very close family so if you have a moment, please say a prayer for them: her husband Ralph most of all, her two sons Brian and Michael, David’s father Bill, her brother, and the rest of the family. I will be singing at her funeral on Wednesday morning. I’m honored to do it, and also quite nervous. I can get emotional.
I was telling this news to one of the “seasoned” nurses on my unit today who has worked oncology for 21 years, and has had a lot of experience with grieving families. She asked, “Was she a Christian?” I replied that she was, and then her face lit up. She said, “I always use this analogy: When a baby is born the process is very ugly, painful, messy, and hard. But the end result is something beautiful and alive. For a Christian, death is the same way. The process of dying to this world is sometimes painful and ugly, but on the other side is peace and joy. And those that are left here can take comfort in knowing that they helped her make it there.”
When I heard that Sue had died, what I felt was sadness for her family. The more I think about it, the more I hate death. But God hates death too. In the story of Lazarus being raised to life, Jesus arrives to the home to find the dead man’s family grieving. They say to him, “Why didn’t you come sooner? If you would have been here he wouldn’t have died!” They are mad, frustrated, saddened, and confused. This is followed by the famous verse, “Jesus wept.”
Many times people interpret this verse to show how Jesus empathizes with us and knows what it’s like to feel all of the emotions that we feel. I believe that is true, but I see this verse differently. I believe that Jesus wept because there he was, physically in their midst, the resurrection and the life, and yet they are grieving! He is saddened at their lack of trust in him, because he is ALL ABOUT LIFE!
I don’t mean to say that grieving is bad. I think it is good and necessary. But hope. Hope and trust in God. And praise Him that we don’t have to live forever in these imperfect bodies, in this sinful world. Praise Him for his power and goodness and His perfect plan working out perfectly for those who love Him. Praise Him for newness, praise Him for redemption. Praise him for joy ever-increasing forever. Praise Him for life!
This is the sign this week on the billboard of the church that I live near. Yes, it’s very cheesy but it actually encouraged me today. Because, my friends, the going is not easy for me at this moment. I am enormously stressed with many things.
First of all, money. I am broke, not to mention in debt. David has already proven his love for me many times over, but in the last month he has compounded that by giving generously to me in my time of need. We say that it’s “our money” now, because we’re trying to change our way of thinking before we get married, but until we share the same checking account it’s going to take some swallowing of my pride to accept so much.
So I have cut my spending down to almost nothing lately. I take the bus to the medical center and catch rides whenever possible. I don’t eat out. Heck, I don’t even buy groceries. I’m going to eat our cupboards bare. (Although yesterday I splurged and bought cereal, because I just couldn’t live without it anymore.) Also, I am working as much as I possibly can. This is tough because…
…I am also enormously stressed about school. We have about three weeks left, and they are not taking it easy on us. Not that I’d expect them to, but I really wish I could just focus all my attention on my board exam. However, I have a paper, a project, an exit exam, and finals to conquer. And lately I have not been doing as well as I need to be on my practice exams. It’s very hard to find time to do all this when I need to be working in all my spare time.
I am worn down. Weary of worrying about where I’ll find the money to pay my bills, of skimping in every area possible to save money, of always having work to do for school, of not having a day to just relax without feeling guilty.
I know this is the time when I need to give everything to God. And I do, every day. Some days I start out great and then end up stressed again by the end of the day. Some days (like today) start out horribly but somehow end up OK.
But I’m going uphill, headed for something good. Thanks for sticking with me.
We did the Hokey Pokey in church yesterday. In a big circle, during the sermon.
Obviously it was a strange message. There really wasn’t much to it. But still, something that was said has stuck with me. The man who was speaking was describing how he used to do the Hokey Pokey with his kids when they were young. He said that although they loved the entire dance and performed it with boundless energy, they just could not wait to get to the part where they put their “whole self” in.
As our congregation was instructed to form a big circle (you can do this kind of stuff in a tiny church like ours) and the song began to play, I admit that I was cynical. But then I began to look around. There was my best friend’s mom doing a cute little shake as she turned herself around. There was my dad–I never could have pictured him like this when I was younger!–with a huge smile on his face, my mom equally enthusiastic beside him, doing the motions with gusto. And there were all the kids and youth of the church throwing themselves into it as if they were at the roller rink and not Big Church.
As I looked at all these people putting their whole selves in, I wished I could do the same. Don’t expect me to be going crazy the next time we are asked to do a silly dance in church, but maybe I can try a little harder to put my whole self into the things that I do. Maybe one day I won’t care as much about what I look like or what people think of me. Maybe one day I’ll get over myself.
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Our church is between pastors at the moment, so what we have been doing is calling on the members of the church to give the sermons. A different person each week speaks. Even though it will be nice to have a pastor again, this is a very special time for us as a church because we get to hear from so many different people. I was asked to give the message yesterday, Father’s Day. Even though I sort of dreaded it in the weeks leading up to it and was pretty nervous, it turned out to be a very rewarding experience.
A portion:
To really feel the amazement of what happens when you accept God as your father and thus pass from death to life, you have to see it not just as a transition from condemnation into acceptance, but as a transition out of bondage and destitution into the safety, certainty, and enjoyment of the family of God. This is what Paul was trying to express to his readers in Galations 4:1-7 when he says, “you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son then an heir.” I believe that this is what all humans desire at the core of their being. It’s why so many myths, fairy tales, and stories resonate so deeply, because they illustrate our heart’s true longing. Take Cinderella, probably the most famous and loved fairy tale of all. It’s about a girl who is being held basically as a slave to her evil stepmother and stepsisters, forced to do the most menial, humiliating, and laborious tasks. But then she is transformed and by the end of the story she has become the wife of the prince. Or there’s the story of the little orphan Annie. Annie is stuck all alone in a miserable orphanage run by the tyrannical Miss Hannigan, but she ends up being adopted by the powerful, rich, and caring Mr. Warbucks. Countless variations of these stories have been written or made into movies. We love them because that’s what we want to happen to us. But the good news is that it has! The story of God and his children is the greatest fairy tale there is, except that it’s true.
Here is the complete manuscript if you’re interested, and I will post the video on that page soon.
As I have mentioned before, this semester in school has been hard on me. It has been extremely time-consuming and stressful. I hardly noticed when Lent began. I barely have time in the morning to read a Bible verse. I try to pray throughout the day, but let’s be honest. That doesn’t always work. Yet I didn’t want to just let Holy Week come and go like any other week, so I decided to find a church service to attend for Good Friday. I wanted something solemn, something traditional. I decided on an episcopal church, where they were performing the stations of the cross service. I went by myself, because sometimes I like doing things alone. And this was one of those times.
I walked into the cathedral-style sanctuary and took my seat on the third row. There weren’t many people there yet, as I was 15-20 minutes early. A minute later the choir began to warm up and tears immediately and unexpectedly filled my eyes. I didn’t realize how much I missed singing in a Christian choir. In college, at Tabor, I sang for all four years. My director was wonderful and passionate and he and the songs he chose for us never failed to inspire me. This church I attended had an excellent choir, and with their music filling the room it all washed over me again at that moment.
When the service began, I fell in love; I think I was born to be an Episcopalian. I loved the entire process, from beginning to end. I loved the robes the choir wore, with the crosses hanging from their necks. I loved the liturgy. I loved the recitation:
V. We adore thee, O Christ, and we bless thee:
R. Because by thy holy cross thou hast redeemed the world.
I loved the procession. I even loved all the standing and kneeling. I especially loved the short hymns we sang in between stations:
“Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison. Lord, have mercy upon us. Christ have mercy upon us. Lord, have mercy upon us.”
“Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom. Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.”
I loved the sound, and I loved the silence. And I loved how it made me remember. This year, I hope Easter will not be just another day.
