life updates and rambling thoughts

July 1, 2013

Remember how I used to blog? Those were good days. I used to have hobbies. And energy. I wrote posts like this one and felt like I had it all together. I made goals and achieved them.

Well all of that has gone away for the moment. The month of June has been one big blur because on May 31 we found out that Im pregnant. And now I dont even know where to start explaining all of the thoughts and feelings I have about it. Even saying anything about it at all makes me feel guilty because I know its such a sensitive subject for some people, having recently been one of them myself. But I just feel the need to be open and honest because I cant really write about anything else at the moment.

So when I took the test on a whim, completely not expecting anything from it and yet it was so clearly, immediately positive, all I felt was shock. We had been sort of trying, but Im still breastfeeding and it took us two years to get pregnant with Meredith so I had done a lot of mental preparation revolving around the long length of time it might take us. I was fine with it. We were in a groove as a family.

Then it was anxiety. For about a week I didnt have any symptoms. I didnt want to start feeling hopeful if it wasnt true. Even when soon enough I began to feel bad it was hard for me to accept that things were going smoothly because of my history of infertility and miscarriage. Even now, after an ultrasound showing one healthy looking baby with a strong heartbeat and no worrisome symptoms, I am in constant anxiety because I am only nine and a half weeks along. The day after I saw the doctor I started to feel better physically and so of course all I can think of now is that maybe the baby stopped growing right after we saw it. Its so hard to trust.

I guess I dont want to go too much further without saying that I am excited and happy. I want more kids so badly. I love babies. I want Meredith to grow up with siblings. So this is a very good thing.

Its also completely overwhelming, thinking about the adjustment we are all going to have to make, and wondering how well pay for two kids in daycare, and how David and I will be able to stay connected just him & I. The past month has been so hard. I have been feeling so bad just constantly sick to my stomach and terminally fatigued and I couldnt even drink coffee! yet Ive had to keep up my responsibilities at work while pretending nothing is different and then care for Meredith who is more needy for me than ever these days. The chores barely get done and forget about cooking or any kind of hobby or extra activity. Thank God for Davids help or Meredith and I probably wouldnt have left the house or bathed or eaten for weeks.

The good news is that I think Im over the worst of the sickness, and I hope its not a bad sign. The fatigue is still a problem but it too is better. And I can eat more things now, and I dont feel constantly nauseated anymore. David took Meredith out of the house for a couple of hours on Saturday and I managed to do all the chores, catch up on Bible study, order some pictures to attempt to get back on track with Project Life, and write most of this post. The rest of the day was spent figuring out how to expend as little energy as possible, but still.

Anyway, thats whats been going on around here. A smattering of other happenings:

>Davids grandmother was diagnosed with two different kinds of advanced cancer that are untreatable at her age (late 80s). His grandfather has dementia so its going to be a very rough time coming up.

>I read a lot of books (pretty much the only leisure activity I could still manage to do). Most notably Game of Thrones which I am now totally addicted to. Need the second book quick.

>Made it to a movie in the theater and realized how much I miss it. Wish I had time for things like that.

>Enjoying the virtual Bible study of The 7 Experiment by Jen Hatmaker that Im running, although Im just barely keeping up.

>Meredith has grown into an adorably chubby toddler. She has her moments of crankiness that are far too frequent for my liking, but for the most part shes just the best. Gratuitous photo:

20130702-133339.jpg

Ah, summer. 100+ degree days. The days that we dream about moving our entire families north. So you see really the extent of things around here has been surviving. I am going to try to update more often but itll be random until I get my energy back. All current projects are put on hold and will hopefully resume in the near future. :)

Posted in: me, motherhood, pregnancy


Comments on life updates and rambling thoughts

  1. 1

    From lauren w:

    love you friend!

    [Reply]

  2. 2

    From Trish:

    Congratulations again Kathleen. I am curious what you mean about the guilt, though. I do understand about the anxietyfor me until I felt the baby moving almost every day I always stressed about this that and the other. I counted down the days until the next sonogram and would freeze in fear before that wand hit my tummy. Will be thinking about you and your little family.
    Trish recently posted..Halfway Through 2013?!

    [Reply]

    kapachino Reply:

    Because I had a miscarriage, and also struggled with infertility, I know how pregnancy announcements can make a person feel when in the midst of that. So I am super sensitive to anyone dealing with that right now!

    [Reply]

    Trish Reply:

    I see. Ive felt that guilt in person but not as much on the internet. Honestly if not for the internet I probably wouldnt have realized how many people have had miscarriages. I felt so alone when I went through mine but was surprised at the outpouring of support when I finally was ready to talk about it.
    Trish recently posted..Pain, Parties, Work Elizabeth Winder

    [Reply]

  3. 3

    From Sarah:

    Congratulations!!! I hope you are past most of the nausea. That really is so awful. Dont worry about feeling like you dont have it together right now. The first trimester is so exhausting and raising a toddler comes with its own set of challenges. You can do it! (At least I think so. Ill let you know for sure when I have a new baby in the house in less than a month!)
    Sarah recently posted..June goals in review July goals

    [Reply]

  4. 4

    From Melanie:

    Aww, Congratulations!! M looks adorable in her swimsuit!

    Hang in thereit is tough to chase a toddler and deal with the first trimester. And to feel excited, yet yucky and unsure about the future.

    For what its worth, my mantra this last pregnancy was one day at a time. When I felt overwhelmed, anxious, worried or physically like I couldnt make itId ask God just to give me the grace and strength to make it through the day. That day. One day. Many times as Id go to bed at night I would think, wow, I made it through today! And that was enough that I could usually lie down in peace and sleep (until it was time for the nightly trip to the bathroom, of course!) It was really a continual effort of telling myself to trust God. Motherhood is hard! I am pulled in so many directions, (and get SO tired) but have to trust thats Gods timing and providing is perfect, especially if it doesnt match up with my ideal. Philippians 4: 4-8 is a passage I return to over and over.

    To ramble on: I love getting ideas and being inspired by blogs and pinterest, but have to remind myself that everyones time, money, and energy situation is different. I think a creative outlet is important for my sanity and outlook, but I try to keep it real and realize that there will be time for me to do in-depth projects and have a perfectly decorated (and perfectly clean!) house when my kids are grown. I am trying to find that balance right now of having fun times with my kids, taking care of the house and meals, and finding time to create something, even if its just a card. Thats the other thing about motherhoodjust when things seem to be moving along well, something will change, one of the kids will have a new issue, or theres an extended family need, or anything. I feel like I am continually finding a new balance or rhythm to life. And thats okay, because I can remind myself in the midst of a particularly hard time, that this season or phase wont last forever, soon I will have a chance to re-adjust again!

    Sorry to turn this into a blog post of its own! Congrats again and I will be praying for you.

    [Reply]

    kapachino Reply:

    Thanks Melanie. Thinking of life in phases is so helpful for me. Im usually pretty good about giving myself a break with projects, hobbies, & extra stuff like that, but its still hard sometimes. Its good to remember that the priority of life right now is raising my family, and then I will have something to look forward to when kids leave the house!

    [Reply]

  5. 5

    From Nancy:

    Congratulations, Kathleen!
    Im glad the worst of the nausea seems to be past you and youre feeling a bit better. Dont be too hard on yourself youre doing just fine. Be sure to let people help you when they offer, and know its ok to let some things go. This season of life doesnt last forever. Being a mother of young kids is intense the good, the bad, and everything in between. Let yourself feel however you feel, and just take it a little bit at a time. Take care!

    [Reply]

  6. 6

    From Sarah Johnson:

    Congratulations! Will be praying for you and your family and this huge transition forthcoming. I am also enjoying the virtual Bible study!
    Sarah Johnson recently posted..Jacob :: 17 Months

    [Reply]

  7. 7

    From Sarah:

    Congratulations! Wishing you the best!
    Sarah recently posted..June Goal Update

    [Reply]

  8. 8

    From Ruthie:

    Congratulations!

    [Reply]

  9. 9

    From Kara:

    Congratulations to you! Its so exciting, but at the same time, I can understand your feelings of worry as well. Sending you happy thoughts and vibes!
    Kara recently posted..Twelve Months/One Year

    [Reply]

  10. 10

    From Elizabeth:

    Congratulations- aaa, so exciting! I totally understand the mixed emotions- I was in your exact shoes a year ago. But it will be great! Thrilled for you and your family!
    Elizabeth recently posted..Worn

    [Reply]

  11. 11

    From Stephany:

    Congrats, friend! I am so, so happy for you. :)
    Stephany recently posted..A Confession

    [Reply]

  12. 12

    From alisa beth:

    Many congratulations! Im so happy for you and am praying for peace a peaceful pregnancy, a peaceful home, a peaceful transition to a family of 4! What an adventure!

    [Reply]

  13. 13

    From Nora:

    Nothing but hugs and love and excitement for you and your family from me. Keep your chin up; youll survive and get through and be stronger for it (even if it doesnt seem like that right now and I know how annoying it is when people say that as Ive been told that quite a bit the last few weeks myself.) Always an email away! xo
    Nora recently posted..On Safety Town

    [Reply]

  14. 14

    From Mindy:

    Aww. I hope you begin feeling better; it is survival mode for awhile, but it is all worth it. The Lord will see you through! :) Excited for you! Meredith is a doll.

    [Reply]

  15. 15

    From Sara:

    Congratulations, dear :)
    Sara recently posted..Lonely blog, sad blog

    [Reply]

  16. 16

    From yours truly, melissa:

    Congrats lady! Your feelings are completely understandable Wishing you a healthy, happy pregnancy and new baby :)

    [Reply]

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